Happy Iceland Independence Day!

Last week’s meal plan was awesome. I knew what I was making every day, which had a rather calming effect, since I was able to avoid the daily “Oh, crap, it’s almost 5 p.m. and what the heck am I making for dinner?” feeling I normally have.

Plus, my meals from Plated were not only amazingly good, but they were quick and easy to make, and the kids liked them! Well, they liked the tomato-and-chorizo poached cod with feta; I made the steak with blue cheese one night after they went to bed, just because that’s how the timing worked out (but they much enjoyed their own dinner of hot dogs). A post about Plated is coming soon. So is another meal or two, since I didn’t cancel my membership in time and have 4 more plates on the way! Oops.

So here’s this week’s meal plan. There’s more meat in it than last week, but that’s OK.

Sunday: Grilled chicken, corn on the cob, salad (trying to get through the salad greens). Picnic on our lawn for Father’s Day.

Monday: Broiled cod, rice, broccoli. Except for me, because I’m going to dinner at Oleana (check out this menu!) with some friends, one of whom is about to move to Colorado.

Tuesday: Plated meal (if it comes; it’s now unclear whether there was a final order in my membership or not, and I cannot determine it from their site!) or chicken burritos.

Wednesday: Pesto tortellini, cauliflower, green salad.

Thursday: Chicken burritos (unless we had them on Tuesday, in which case it will be hot dogs and baked beans–all organic, for what it’s worth).

Friday: Pizza. We’ll try for homemade this week. Or maybe we’ll continue to support our favorite local pizza shop.

Saturday: I don’t know!

I missed Saturday’s farmer’s market (we were burying our cat who died five months ago — I promise to post that story soon!! But let me reassure you it was actually a nice time). So I’m went this afternoon because HOORAY, our CSA farmer (well, former CSA farmer) does the Monday market, too!

Farmer’s Market haul

Also, we went to Stop&Shop yesterday. I always feel a little guilty and privileged doing most of our grocery shopping at Whole Foods (but it’s only a half-mile from our house, on the way to preschool!). I was pleased (and annoyed) to find that Stop&Shop actually has higher prices on many of the items I wanted to buy (almond milk, bread), plus we couldn’t buy some of the stuff we wanted because everything had preservatives and dyes in it (pickles! I just wanted pickles! But not with polysorbate 80 and yellow #5 and EDTA, thank you very much!).

Plus, time. It takes so much extra time to read all the labels at that grocery store! At least at Whole Foods (and Trader Joe’s, for that matter) I know the food doesn’t contain those preservatives (or high fructose corn syrup) and can usually just grab a jar of pickles off the shelf and move on. I don’t mean to sound judgmental; I’m just saying that it’s not what I want to eat. And I don’t know why they have to put so much crap in the food supply.

I am going to get off my purist-food-snob soapbox now so I can pick up the kids and hit the farmer’s market.

What are you eating this week? Got any recipes to share?

I’m starting to realize I’m in kind of a long-term, low-level funk.

For example: A friend is moving out of state soon, a friend I lost touch with (as I have with most friends), and though she’s leaving soon, I find it tough to say, “Let’s get together!”

Because I will be sad and boring while she tells stories of Life Out in the World. You know, a life with a career and regular climbing/camping trips and Talking to Adults and friends and stuff.

Sure, maybe she envies me my settled married life with children (or maybe she doesn’t), but friend, I’m telling you, the grass actually is greener on your side of the fence!

But making plans with friends is so fatiguing, and I have nothing to talk about. I’m staler than stale.

Example 2: I don’t answer many emails these days. I made some changes so I receive fewer emails, but of those I do receive, I still don’t answer many. Partly it’s because I see so many emails on my phone but prefer to use my laptop to respond, and partly because, well, what’s to say?

My work situation is hard. I’m freelance and juggling projects. Right now I have very minimal childcare and can’t take on much. I recently went through old emails and realized I dropped out of a few projects in the past few years. That can’t give me a great reputation in the industry. The bottom line was always (even if I didn’t say as much): “Sorry, my childcare fell through and I don’t have enough time to finish this project to our mutual satisfaction.”

I don’t actually use the phrase “mutual satisfaction” ever because it just sounds like sex, right? Or did I just go to a really progressive college whose health center pamphlets are unforgettable?

3. I’m in a funk again. I know it’s cyclical, to some degree, but with every funk I sink deeper. I don’t really talk to friends these days. I certainly don’t see them in person. I’ve lost interest in most former interests (including, believe it or not, mountain biking. That alone is very disturbing to me). I don’t want to go out, or run, or go to the gym, or cook, or help with any community activities….anything that used to bring me pleasure. I just don’t care.

What seemed like a more severe PMS has become something darker: PMDD, sure, with the rage issues (this is the week in which when I open my mouth and I’m facing my children, a loud slow-motion roar comes out and we all watch in horror as it fills the room).

And yet still none of them respond to what I have to say.

Last night, pre-emptively, I put the estrogen patch on, which is probably why I was so mellow this morning, but by this afternoon, while we were playing a board game (“Clifford Be a Good Friend Game”), I paused the game to take an Ativan (doctor’s orders, lest you want to judge). Max was cheating and Ben was taking all the cards to use as “ear radios” and taking the dog pawns to drive his logging truck across the board.

I really needed to chill out.

It wasn’t enough.

Tonight I cried b/c I have to bring Ben to a blogger/social media meet-up tomorrow and then have both kids for the rest of the day….needing to write thank-you notes, make dinner, clean the fucking house, find a job, do my job, and so on.

Something needs to change.

My friend Robin at Mama Hears a Who had a marvelous day of saying “yes” to her child, just a few months younger than Max (age 5 years, 2 days).

I’d love to do that. But what do I do with the other child? I can only handle one child at a time, it seems, not two, unless the two are both over the age of 5. And here Ben is about to begin Age 3, and I fear it’s going to be a hard, long ride.

So how do I defunk? More childcare? A job? I think both would help immensely, but getting from here to there seems insurmountable.

Have you managed it? Going from SAHM to working mom again, when you’re also in charge of all meals, doctor appointments, clothing, school forms, all of that? Please, tell me how?

I don’t know when I last felt this scattered. We’re getting ready for a big family weekend, celebrating three milestone birthdays. So yes, there’s some packing, ordering, wrapping, and so on.

But it’s not insurmountable. So why does it feel that way to me? Normally I can pick a path and go. I always make lists as a way to focus.

This time, no list. I can’t seem to settle down long enough to. But there I am folding laundry tonight, thinking, “Bake a cake. Make cookies. Wrap presents. Return suits.* Write thank-yous for the preschool yard sale donors. Bike trailer? Which bike for Ben? I need to pack Max’s lunch!”

Yeah.

I gathered the Amazon boxes and discovered that not only had I ordered the wrong thing for my father–and the right thing won’t arrive in time even if I order it tonight–but I also ordered the wrong thing for Max. I sat there with C, cringing, thinking, “Great. I have my sitter tomorrow and will have to spend the time careening from Sports Authority to Barnes and Noble to Target. So much for work, exercise, or packing.”

Oh, and the cake!

I used to bake a lot. I baked for fun. I baked for entertainment. I baked to explore.

Today, I realized I haven’t baked a cake in almost a year. Wow.

Fortunately, for his birthday Max just wants a round 2-layer cake, white frosting, rainbow sprinkles, a “5″ candle. Whew. I’ve seen Facebook albums and live results of friends who pulled all-nighters constructing fire truck cakes and dump truck cakes and such…by hand. And also from special-order bakeries. Max has seen and eaten many such cakes.

But bless his lovely heart, he wants a simple round cake.

If you think I couldn’t possibly f*ck that up, you’re wrong. I had bought two boxes of Trader Joe’s Madagascar Vanilla cake mix. That’s right: I was going to cheat my child by using a mix. Better a calm mother than a stressed one, right? Trader Joe’s mixes at least are fairly natural, not having any of that nasty unpronounceable crap found in conventional cake mixes. And I could just add shortening (instead of butter) and lactose-free milk. For heaven’s sake, Max shouldn’t have to take lactose pills to enjoy his birthday cake!

I greased the nonstick pans, as instructed by the box. What a time-saver using a mix would be!

I melted the shortening (happy organic stuff from Whole Foods, of course) in the microwave. I was nervous about what would happen when I mixed it with the cold milk and eggs. It immediately hardened again, of course, in clumps.

Whatever. Mix and pour into prepared pans and bake. Cool 10 minutes. Remove from pan.

Um, no. These things weren’t coming out. I finally got the first one out with only a few major cracks.

The second cake? It had somehow caramelized to the greased nonstick pan. Yes, yes it had. I ended up ripping it out with my hands.

I’m done with you, cake-from-a-mix.

And then I pulled out my trusty Bittman book and my sifter and my remaining clean measuring cups and bowls (I used some to make spiced nuts earlier, so they were in the dishwasher) and I mixed a proper cake from scratch, which included buttering the pans, cutting rounds of parchment to put in the pans, buttering the parchment, and flouring the pans. I even beat it all by hand, with a wooden spoon, instead of using a mixer as Bittman suggested.

It’s late, after all, and everyone’s asleep, and our apartment is small.

Remind me how much time I saved using a mix, please?  I’m not anti-Trader Joe’s by any means, but this mix just failed tonight.

So yeah, I used regular butter in the cake I made, but that’s OK. At least my child will have a birthday cake instead of a birthday crumble.

And now what do I do? Print return forms? Wrap presents? Pack clothing?

Once again, I don’t know where to start.

….Oh, I do. The cake layers came out kind of short (due to using 9″ pan instead of 8″?), so guess what? I just made my third batch of cake batter for the night, and the second one from scratch! It is after midnight. Let’s hope I am still awake when the timer rings.

*Bathing suits, Athleta. This year I made the big switch from bikini to tankini with swim shorts, mostly because a lot of our swim/beach time takes place with my brother, mom, etc., and I’m sick of worrying about being half-naked in front of them–I mean, I’m striving for a more modest look to fit in with the general tone of things. Also, SUNSCREEN. So much less skin to cover!

I’ll save my bikini for my immediate family/friends and cover up when I am with my mom/brothers/father/etc. Oh, right, so to that end I ordered a zillion suits from Athleta to try on at home, found the right combo, and will return the rest. It’s a great way to shop if you don’t have time for stores and don’t mind shipping returns.